Farewell and Thank you 2012! ♥♥♥

Before I bid goodbye to my YEAR, I should say that 2012 was a bumpy, but indeed a joyful ride!

It started too-well like a roller coaster trip!… 

Has been too sluggish when it tried to thrive, slows down a bit when at the top, then miraculously boost to that “Nirvana Stadium” of my life. 

 I have been cheerful, contented, overwhelmed, sometimes crazy, most of the time slothful, hahaha! 

Been touched, ignored, has bumped into my most unkabogable mood, cried like the rain pouring freely when gets hurt (I’ve been hurt a lotta times), Smiled…(Also a lot, I mean…A LOT!) and FELL IN LOVE! for the first time and the last time….(♫ Tan-tan-ta-nan ♫)  

I’ve known people whom I will never forget, and some I will. …definitely, turned-off!….Some made my year fruitful, some made it  disappointing.

But, no regrets at all!… Every step of the way, every leap of the stairs, and every run (which most I had wounds because of falling many times) will never be a lament for me!..  Its been a wonderful year that was….. I FELL; I STOOD UP, I FORGIVE, I GAVE AWAY, I PRAY AND I LOVE!

And I would like to thank all the conscientious people who made my 2012, unforgettable. Kilala nyo na kung sino-sino kayo… A great cheer for all the immense people in my Life! Looking forward for more and more years! Love you all!

                                                         

CALIFORNIA KING BED

Huuuu……….Huuum……… ♫ Pagmulat ng mata langit nakatawa  ♫ 

Ay Batibot theme pala yun. 

Ibahin ko.... "THE MOMENT I WAKE UP" ♫

Hehehe! Ang lamig naman ngayung umaga…. Pero ok lang, masayang gumising sa umaga kapag may dahilan ang bawat gising mo… Yiiiihiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! In love na naman ako ah! Twing umaga na lang. Dum-di-dum-di-dum…. Pakanta-kanta kong sabi habang naliligo sa shower na medyo may kalamigan rin ang tubig! Pero kahit yata yelo pa itong ipaligo ko, iinit dahil sa pagmamahal ko… Wahahaha!

Sabi nila kapag umiibig daw ang isang tao, nababaliw! Ummm…. Maaring tama nga! Paano ba naman, katatapos lang ako pagalitan ng bwiset kong Boss, pero sige lang smile pa rin… Hehehehe! Wala akong magagawa, mas nakikita ko yung mukha NYA na nakangiti kesa sa ilong ng Boss kong kasya yata itong keyboard ko kapag ipinasak ko sa sobrang asar sa bunganga nya!

Ring! Ring! Ring! Walang humpay ang telepono, ayan na naman iilang kliyente na naman ang siguradong sisigaw dahil hindi naideliver on time ang mga orders nila! Aba! Kasalanan ko ba may  bagyo ngaun sa Luzon at ultimo yata anghel sa langit matatakot lumipad sa sobrang lakas ng hangin. Pasensya sila! Ganun talaga… Forces of Nature eh… Parang LOVE…. Di mapipigilan… Force of Nature! Yun oh! Siningit na naman ang LOVE…. Hehehe! At Inulit pa…

Hahaha! Sige na nga…. Smile na rin sa phone kahit minumura na ako nitong bumbay na to! Leche! Akala nya ba sila lang nangangailangan? Kailangan ko rin yang kikitain dyan noh! Pero gayun pa man, ok lang rin. Mamaya tatawag si crush, mawawala lahat ng asar…. Ang tagal naman! Haaaay………. Makakain na nga lang.

Huh??!!! Wala na naming natirang ulam sa Canteen? Bwiset talagang kainan dito sa opisina! Sana binibilang nila kung ilan empleyado nila at nagluluto ng sapat para sa lahat…. Paano ba yan? Tinapay na naman ang kakainin ko buti na lang may kasamang orange juice. Kahit papano nakakawala ng asar! ???

Nasa kalagitnaan na ako ng precious bread ko na sobrang tigas na, sana naman Manang ilalagay sa container diba? Para di naman ganitong katigas! Sarap ng ibato sa katapat na table ko eh! (Inggit sa sarap ng kinakain nya~~hahaha!) TUT! TUT! Uyyyy! May nag-text, si Crush na naman pala… “HELLO,ANONG LUNCH MO?” Laglag naman ako sa upuan, ang sarap naman ng tinapay na to… Ito na yata ang pinakamasarap na tinapay na natikman ko sa buong-buhay ko…. Hehehe!

Uwian na, at as usual, wala na naming bus pa-Norte, at syempre, napahaba ng pila sa MRT na akala mo si Manny Pacquiao ang nagbebenta ng ticket kaya ganyan kahaba ang pila, autograph siging ni Pacman! Hahaha! Akalain mong nakakatawa pa rin pala ako… Naalala ko na naman kasi si crush, siguro maayos na syang nakauwi sa kanila. Buti naman, ok lang ako basta ok sya… Yiiihiiiii!!!!! Maghapong kinilig, parang tanga lang!

Eto na naman ako sa kama kong napakalamig, IN MY CALIFORNIA KING BED! Hahaha! Actually, single bed lang, kaso walang katabi kaya eto, feeling ko ang laki ng kama… Wide spread na nga ang mga hita, ang luwag pa rin, kelan ko kaya makakatabi matulog si crush??? Nampucha! Naks naman talaga! Hanggang sa pagtulog? Istorbo kah! Hahaha! Dibale, I’ll think of you na lang before I sleep para paggising ko, ikaw ulit…. Parang CHRISTMAS BONUS lang sa opisina, “Hindi mapapasakin, pero napapangiti ako kapag naiisip ko!”

Baliw nga daw bang magmahal??? Sa tingin ko… Medyo…. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!             

~~Anonymous (Sino ba tong si Anonymous? Kelan kaya magkakaapelyido?) zzzzz…………

Coffee Cup from DAD

(DEDICATED TO MY ONE GREAT FATHER UP ABOVE, WHO NEVER FAIL TO COMFORT ME. THANK YOU LORD FOR ALL THE BLESSINGS!)

It was such a calm, fine morning.... 

I look out my window seeing the same sun rays that always greet me sa tuwing umaga. 

"Good morning Sunshine! Rise and Fight!" But there's a sudden kirot sa dibdib, malapit na nga pala ang pasko. Haaay..... Magpapasko na naman pala ako sa Banyagang Bansa. I went out of bed, got my morning towel wrapped around my neck, Bbbbrrrrrrrrr! Lamig! Lakad papuntang kusina na parang wala sa sarili, antok na naman because of waiting for the late News on Local TV....Iba kasi ang time zone dito sa Poland. SIGH! Rinig kong nagmula sa akin, as I pour a steaming hot coffee like I always did. Hmmmmm…. Dudungaw sa bintang mga banyaga rin ang makikita, some are rushing for work. Some are just walking freely, chatting. Kelan kaya ako ulit makakakita ng mga batang naglalaro sa labas, nagtatawanan at nagsisigawan ng TAYA!

Maliliit pa kami noon sa Batangas, I lived in a humble home with 6 members of the Family. I was the youngest and they say the Daddy’s Girl. Syempre! Ako yata ang bunso sa 4 na magkakapatid, I have 3 older brothers na may kanya-kanya nang pamilya ngayon We didn’t get much time to talk this time, twing pasko at birthday na lang yata.

Tahimik ang Tatay ko. Bihirang magsalita, Tikom ang bibig at palaging matatas sa mga bibitiwang bilin at pagalit sa aming magkakapatid. I used to cry whenever I saw those big black eyes kapag pinapagalitan na kaming lahat. Kapag kasalanan ng isa, kasalanan ng lahat. Lahat makakatikim ng parusa, lahat makakatikim ng palo. Pero hindi malupit ang Tatay ko. Mapagmahal sya at matuwid na tao. Hindi namin naririnig na nag-aaway sila ng Inay at ni minsan ay wala kaming narinig na kaaway nya.  Madasalin sya at may takot sa Diyos. I remember always hearing him shouting and knocking on each of our doors during the night.

“Don’t forget to pray!” Sabay-sabay naman sasagot, “Opo Tay!” Hagikgik ang kasunod pero magdadasal kaming sabay-sabay. Lumaki kaming puspos ng pagmamahal, at pangaral ni Tatay. Hindi sya nakakalimot sa kaarawan ng bawat isa sa amin. Lagi akong may uwing laruan at kendi pagka-galing nya sa trabaho. Nagmana ako sa kanya! Mahilig sa kape! Kapag malungkot, kapag masaya, problemado, nag-aalala. Walang ibang hahawakan kundi ang rosary at tasa ng mainit na kape sa kabilang kamay.

Nagta-trabaho ang Tatay ko sa isang Bangko sa Syudad naming hindi kalakihan sa Batangas. Nobyembre noon, medyo marami nang tao sa daan. Abala sa kanya-kanyang CHRISTMAS RUSH kumbaga…. Hindi magkamayaw sa pakikipagtawaran ang mga tao sa palengkeng dadaaanan ni Tatay bago makarating sa aming bahay. Ilang kilometro lamang naman ang layo, and he always walk himself home pagkagaling sa opisina. Routine na nya kasi yun, exercise nya daw sa gabi. Hehehe! Tatay talaga baliktad! Parang yung kape nya kapag tinitimpla, nauuna ang tubig bago asukal, kape at creamer.

Nang gabing yun, kasabay nya si Ninong Mario pauwi, kasamahan sya sa bangko na Ninong ko sa binyang, kumpil at baka pati sa magiging kasal ko, ninong ko na rin. Pagdating nila sa kanto, na medyo madilim, isang lalaking ang dagling hinablot si Tatay sa braso. Pilit inaagaw ang supot na dala nya mula sa Christmas Sale sa palengke. That was the most dreadful day ever ng buhay ko! We just got the story from Ninong that Tatay was refusing to give-out that small plastic he was holding. The culprit stabbed him. That was 1993 and I was just 9years old when he passed away. I couldn’t understand why people were too bad and will steal somebody else’s happiness. That night my dad’s happiness was captured on that small plastic he was holding. Then Ninong Mario hand it over to me, masyado daw matapang si Tatay at nagawa pang ibato sa lugar nya yung supot para lang maiuwi sa bahay bago sya panawan ng buhay. And to my dismay and excitement at the same time, I opened that a bit bloody small box and daw this small COFFEE CUP inside… with a cute little girl’s picture holding his dad’s hand. It was me and Tatay sa picture ng Coffee Cup na yun. I might be 3 or 4 years old. When I first had a taste of that home made coffee he used to grow sa maliit na taniman namin. At my early age, tears freely rolled down my cheeks, no sound just tears… Tears from my broken heart. tears because of hatred and tears because of my loss. Wala na si Tatay! He left me with this small coffee cup that supposes to be his birthday gift for me para sa Pasko.

And here I am, staring at my window, malayo ang tingin, naalala ko na naman ang papalapit na pasko, pagkawala ni Tatay at kasabay ng kaarawan ko. Tears rolled freely again, but not because of hurt and fear, but because I remembered him and that small note on the coffee cup box na bigay nya.

“Think of me with every sip. Katulad ng kape, I will always be with you, from the morning you wake up, till the moment you close your eyes at night. Whatever you will go through, Be strong, be squashy and be calm, andito si Tatay”

"If you really Love me, why would you hurt me?"

Did you ever want somebody to love you so bad that you would take almost anything they threw at you? I mean so bad that you would ignore your instincts that were screaming you are being used; this person is going to hurt you; this person is going to break your heart, because you are in their life and they in yours and you feel that you have enough love for the both of you until another person shows you that you’re on the other side of the road.

At first it is easy to make yourself believe that the other person loves you and wants the same thing as you because you want it so bad and so when it does not you keep blaming yourself and adding nice things into the pot along with the love that should have been enough, hoping with everything that you are that the other person just needs a little time and some extra nice treatment and that all will be as it should be between you.

As time passes and the other person does not change in fact they get worse and even more demanding and you are slowly beginning to understand that it is not you exactly that they want, but what they think that they are entitled too and the relationship with you makes that possible. It is not an easy pill to swallow that somebody you love does not love you, but it is not enough to turn away and you know you couldn’t if you tried as long as there was the smallest morsel of hope that things could change and so it was with me and that being.

There were times when the line was hard to see and I do not think that either of us could tell the difference between the lies and the truth of the matter, what was real and what was not. I because I did not want to and the other because they were so used to pretending, that it had to feel real.  Lies are hard to maintain though because no one can go without making a mistake forever and sooner or later the truth will shine through the lie no matter how much you do not want to heat, or see it and no matter who wants it to remain hidden and for what end.

You can not buy, or sweeten the pot with enough nice things to buy love, because you learn as I did that if you are expected to pay for love than it is just not real and you are merely renting a dream. The tension  started to ease its way into the relationship as I ran out of other things to offer besides my unreturned love and grew steadily with every unanswered demand for more from the unsatisfied party. Finally there was no more money, no more chores that I could do and the other’s mood became distant at first, resentful next and then finally angry.  This person’s rage woke me up from the dream and my eyes were suddenly opened and it was like seeing myself and them for the first time.

There was no more dream of love, respect eventually to come; all that was left was a hollw, lonely feeling and a sense of great loss.  I had fought the fight and lost and now the person I still loved despite everything, was threatening to remove all other rivals that might be responsible for my not having anything but love for them, which just was not enough and certainly not what they thought was owed to them, or what they were entitled to.  Unfortunately this person was about to cross an imaginary line, a dangerous line, one that I could not allow. They were not threatening violence, but they had decided that the price for their love was to be the exclusion of anyone else’s love for me or mine for them and in all things their wants and their needs must come first.

I could not do that and I would not do that and so things got worse and not better and the call for it more and the part of me that I gave to others became almost never-ending.  The resentment of me and everything else that I loved more plain and a lot easier to see with each passing day and the feeling of having to do something hung over me like a  dark cloud.  As tensions built it was clear that something had to be done to protect all those that I loved, because the by any means necessary attitude that this person was employing had become unstable and I was no longer the primary target. 

I was accused of many things and at the end of the conversation that of late have been reduced to hostile text messages and e-mails, I knew now that this person who was lost to me once, came back into my life very fuming, was going to have become lost to me again, and the need of this person to try to get back what is impossible once it has passed and that is time.

Yes it is never easy to suffer with a living loss, specially if its someone whom you offered your whole life to. It has been a few weeks now with no word and a sense of great loss aches in me, but a sense of calm has settled in that frightens me a little, but what I felt had to be done is done.  As Christmas approaches and I begin the process of transforming my house for the holidays, I hope for the phone call, the e-mail, or the text message of apology and sadly know that it will not come, because there is something broken, on both of us that I do not know how to fix and that person does not even feel that is broke, or in need of fixing.  Christmas will indeed be different without the presence of this particular one, but the loss was killing me deeply.

I will never stop loving, or caring and worrying. And I am sure that if ever all of those will come back again and so we go into exile together oddly enough, the two of us, still a pain in each other’s side and an itch that we just cannot scratch. If you really Love me, why would you hurt me?