Tuesday, 18 December 2012

"If you really Love me, why would you hurt me?"


Did you ever want somebody to love you so bad that you would take almost anything they threw at you? I mean so bad that you would ignore your instincts that were screaming you are being used; this person is going to hurt you; this person is going to break your heart, because you are in their life and they in yours and you feel that you have enough love for the both of you until another person shows you that you’re on the other side of the road.

At first it is easy to make yourself believe that the other person loves you and wants the same thing as you because you want it so bad and so when it does not you keep blaming yourself and adding nice things into the pot along with the love that should have been enough, hoping with everything that you are that the other person just needs a little time and some extra nice treatment and that all will be as it should be between you.
As time passes and the other person does not change in fact they get worse and even more demanding and you are slowly beginning to understand that it is not you exactly that they want, but what they think that they are entitled too and the relationship with you makes that possible. It is not an easy pill to swallow that somebody you love does not love you, but it is not enough to turn away and you know you couldn’t if you tried as long as there was the smallest morsel of hope that things could change and so it was with me and that being.
There were times when the line was hard to see and I do not think that either of us could tell the difference between the lies and the truth of the matter, what was real and what was not. I because I did not want to and the other because they were so used to pretending, that it had to feel real.  Lies are hard to maintain though because no one can go without making a mistake forever and sooner or later the truth will shine through the lie no matter how much you do not want to heat, or see it and no matter who wants it to remain hidden and for what end.
You can not buy, or sweeten the pot with enough nice things to buy love, because you learn as I did that if you are expected to pay for love than it is just not real and you are merely renting a dream. The tension  started to ease its way into the relationship as I ran out of other things to offer besides my unreturned love and grew steadily with every unanswered demand for more from the unsatisfied party. Finally there was no more money, no more chores that I could do and the other’s mood became distant at first, resentful next and then finally angry.  This person’s rage woke me up from the dream and my eyes were suddenly opened and it was like seeing myself and them for the first time.

There was no more dream of love, respect eventually to come; all that was left was a hollw, lonely feeling and a sense of great loss.  I had fought the fight and lost and now the person I still loved despite everything, was threatening to remove all other rivals that might be responsible for my not having anything but love for them, which just was not enough and certainly not what they thought was owed to them, or what they were entitled to.  Unfortunately this person was about to cross an imaginary line, a dangerous line, one that I could not allow. They were not threatening violence, but they had decided that the price for their love was to be the exclusion of anyone else’s love for me or mine for them and in all things their wants and their needs must come first.
I could not do that and I would not do that and so things got worse and not better and the call for it more and the part of me that I gave to others became almost never-ending.  The resentment of me and everything else that I loved more plain and a lot easier to see with each passing day and the feeling of having to do something hung over me like a  dark cloud.  As tensions built it was clear that something had to be done to protect all those that I loved, because the by any means necessary attitude that this person was employing had become unstable and I was no longer the primary target. 

I was accused of many things and at the end of the conversation that of late have been reduced to hostile text messages and e-mails, I knew now that this person who was lost to me once, came back into my life very fuming, was going to have become lost to me again, and the need of this person to try to get back what is impossible once it has passed and that is time.
Yes it is never easy to suffer with a living loss, specially if its someone whom you offered your whole life to. It has been a few weeks now with no word and a sense of great loss aches in me, but a sense of calm has settled in that frightens me a little, but what I felt had to be done is done.  As Christmas approaches and I begin the process of transforming my house for the holidays, I hope for the phone call, the e-mail, or the text message of apology and sadly know that it will not come, because there is something broken, on both of us that I do not know how to fix and that person does not even feel that is broke, or in need of fixing.  Christmas will indeed be different without the presence of this particular one, but the loss was killing me deeply.
I will never stop loving, or caring and worrying. And I am sure that if ever all of those will come back again and so we go into exile together oddly enough, the two of us, still a pain in each other’s side and an itch that we just cannot scratch. If you really Love me, why would you hurt me?

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